TRIGGER WARNING

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This is super fucking important. I also want to make it super clear as someone who very frequently experiences suicidal ideation, that it can be extremely difficult for myself to ascertain when I have switched between states. It's difficult for me to say that I spend most of my days experiencing NO ideation as the thought of an escape from pain was something that brought me comfort as I grew so my neural pathways default to "k*ll yourself lol" when I experience the most minor thing. I went a decent period of time where I'd stopped this, but the brain goes back to its old habits when stressed, it's hard to keep in check, and it is exhausting to constantly reframe these thoughts to rewire them. Passive ideation is where I hang out most of the time.

The shift from passive ideation to active ideation is brutal and I really struggle here because my whole being fights against it so hard, i spend all of my energy when not distracted, to keep my thoughts in check. I fight so hard against these thoughts and try so hard to keep them at bay that I am completely unable to ascertain if they are shifting from active to a severe risk. I have never spent long in the severe risk state, because I do not actually want to die. The active ideation is the absolute worst and most painful, brutal, worst place. Active suicidal ideation with no solid plans to do anything is not a place you want to be, you do not want to be in this state while trying to access appropriate health care because the majority of times you will be turned away, or there is very little follow up to keep you out of this state. This makes the ideation worse and can push it to severe risk. Fuck suicidal ideation and fuck inadequate services, help, assistance, resources etc.